Riku versus the Cobra
by SquirrelOfHope
Summary: If Riku could just get his hands on some Cobra venom he could trade it for an honesttogoodness sword! Finished...
1. Chapter 1

**Riku versus The _Cobra_**

**AN: **The original title of this story was "Riku Milks a Cobra,"– I _swear_ I had innocent intentions and it took me a minute to get that this probably summons some rather risqué imagery.

Sorry. I'm juvenile. Sorry.

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

"This is _amazing_," Riku dragged the heavy sword out of the coat closet.

"Oh, that old thing," the Mayor wrinkled her nose. "Don't bother with that, it's junk, some guy tried to tell me it was a fourteenth century Pravoka-crafted steel– and _clearly_ it's a lousy sixteenth century Mysidian knockoff."

"Clearly," Riku repeated, but he had no idea what the Mayor was talking about. It was a _sword_, a double-edged blade with a long handle for two-handed use, no crossguard– the blade was a little short, but other than that it was beautiful.

"What are you going to do with it?" Riku asked.

"I don't know. Maybe the moogles can melt it down and make me a new set of steak-knives. Just set it over there, dear."

"If you don't want it, can I have it?" Riku asked sweetly.

"I'm not giving a weapon to a kid!" the Mayor laughed.

"I'll have you know," Riku said gravely, "that I'm very mature for my age. I'm only twelve years-old and I can stay by myself for a _week_!"

"No," the Mayor said.

"Come on! I'll be _careful_, I'm very, very, very, responsible."

"Yes you are, but no."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?" he fluttered his lashes.

"Look, kiddo, the thing's a _knockoff_. It's badly made, and very likely to snap in two if someone were to ever use the thing. Even if you weren't a child, I couldn't give it away knowing this."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"_No._"

He continued to ask the Mayor for the sword during the whole day, until finally she threatened to call his father and tell him to come and get him.

"And you know what that means," she threatened.

"Look, we're both reasonable people. What would it take to get you to let go of that sword that you don't even want anyway?"

The Mayor clenched her fists and prayed for strength. She relaxed and smiled.

"Okay," she grinned from ear to ear, "Honestly? I'd think about letting it go for a bottle of cobra venom."

"Seriously?"

"Oh yes, very useful stuff."

"Thanks, Mayor!" and he left the Mayor in peace.

* * *

The first place he headed was his father's study. There were lots of books about the kinds of animals found around the world. He wasn't _simple_, he knew the Mayor thought he'd give up just because cobras weren't native to Destiny Island.

"Let's see… cobra, cobra– ah! 'Family: Elapidae, several genera… they inhabit desert regions and _tropical_ regions,' that's good news. 'Conservation efforts… largest tree-cobra population–"

"Happy Funtime Island," Baralai said peeking over Riku's shoulder. "What's this? Are you working on a school assignment?"

"Oh, yeah," he lied. "Environmental studies. I was just doing a report on the disappearing tree cobra populations." He patted himself on the back for his inventiveness.

"Don't know why anyone would want to save the _things_ on Happy Funtime Island, they're mutants you know. There used to be some kind of mining operation there and all the chemicals warped the genetic make-up of the animals." Happy Funtime Island was Destiny Island's only other neighbor besides the Isle of Man.

"But the tree-cobras, they're still venomous, right?"

"I think that's about the last thing God would ever change about those accursed things," Baralai said.

"So hypothetically, could you extract the venom from the tree cobras?"

"Oh yeah! People do that all the time, it's how the anti-venom is made. Some people make a living off the stuff, they keep a huge number of snakes around and milk them every so often and sell the venom to mages, healers, doctors…"

"I see… Thanks, Dad!" he dashed out of the house and headed for the docks.

Maybe he wouldn't have to deal with the snakes himself after all. All he had to do was get to the school computer lab and look up one of those companies. Then the Mayor could have her venom and he could have himself an honest-to-goodness sword! He could hardly wait to start hacking at things.

* * *

"I like swords, I like swords," Riku sang softly while he surfed the web.

"Hey, Riku!" Selphie sat down at the computer next to him. "I didn't know you were coming here, or I'd have taken the ferry with you."

She was still relatively new to the Island, still an outsider, and so he didn't know if she could be trusted. He closed his browser window nervously.

"Why'd you jump like that? Were you looking at porn?" she asked pointblank.

"_No!_" his voice cracked. She smiled mischievously.

"You were, weren't you?"

"Of course not! I was just doing a little independent research–"

"Riku likes de boobies!" she teased.

"_Shut up!_"

"_Boobies!_" she snickered.

"_Lower your voice!_" He could see the after-school library aid looking over the rows at them and a couple of people were staring.

"Oh! Stop undressing me with your eyes!" she said a little louder and giggled.

"Is there a problem here?" the librarian herself stood over them, her good eye fixed on Riku's bright red face.

"No, m'am," Selphie said humbly, "I'm sorry. We'll keep it down."

"See that you do, Miss Tilmitt, I'd hate to have to call your guardians."

"Yes, m'am." Satisfied, the librarian left them alone.

"You're kind of a pain," Riku said.

"Of course! I'm a _punk_, nyah!" she stuck her tongue out at him.

"I don't know about _that_, you were groveling pretty hard there."

"That's because _Bob and Miriam_ threatened to send me to military school if I got in trouble…" she sneered.

* * *

"You'd better just _toe the line_, kiddo!" Bob said, shaking his finger in her face.

"You think your poor parents have anywhere else to send you?" Miriam asked severely.

"Next stop: military school!" Bob unrolled the flyer for Trabia Military Academy, the ad guaranteed high levels of suckage for misbehaving children.

"You think they've got music class, or school dances, or garden socials in military school? Hmm? _Hmm?_" Miriam demanded.

* * *

"Is it true you were nominated for the Most Likely To Climb A Tower And Pick People Off With A Rifle While Wearing A Clown Suit category of the yearbook?" Selphie asked.

"No," Riku slammed his book bag shut.

"I'm on the yearbook staff, I could get you nominated if you want."

"I have to go," he said grumpily. He could always come to school early and pick up where he left off.

* * *

"That sword will be mine!" he vowed bitterly when it started to rain while he waited for the ferry.

"You're late," his father said disapprovingly when he sloshed his way up the front steps. "I don't cook for myself you know."

"I know, I know," Riku dumped the water out of his shoes and put them in the closet.

"I received the most interesting call from the school just a moment ago."

"What did they want?" Riku sat down and started shoveling food into his mouth.

"Well, erm, it seems that…" Baralai looked intently at his silverware for moment. "Well, first of all, according the librarian the computer you were using has been logged into several adult sites."

"Oh, I…. What?" He looked at his father in shock, and he knew he must've looked completely guilty. Baralai tried his best to look understanding about the whole thing.

"My words exactly. I asked her if she was sure it was you, and she said you were the only one using that computer this afternoon."

"_Selphie!_" Riku slammed his hand on the table. "She must've done something to the computer after I left! She thinks she's _so_ funny. I swear it wasn't me!"

"Well, the librarian wanted to us to go see the principal about this–"

"No!" The whole town would know.

"But I told her I'd handle this myself. Now…" he paused nervously again. "Well, I know you're getting to that age where you– you're _curious_ about certain things–"

"No! No! _No!_" Riku shrank down into his chair.

It probably was a good thing he didn't get that sword today, because he'd be tempted to chop Selphie into teeny-tiny pieces with it.

* * *

Now that the computer lab was off-limits to him that left him with only one path– the direct one. Saturday morning found him on Fisherman's Beach next to the dock.

"Hey, Riku!" he tensed at the sound of _that_ voice. "Whatcha doin'?"

Selphie leaned against the rowboat he was pushing towards the water.

"I'm busy," he snapped. "And what you did yesterday was _not_ funny."

"Hey, don't be mad, I was just playing around," Selphie said. "Where're you going?"

"Happy Funtime Island," he said. "Now go away."

"Can I come?"

"No!"

"But why? What's on Happy Funtime Island?" she kept switching gears so quickly and his curtness had no visible effect on her buoyancy.

"Nothing," he grumbled.

"Then why are _you_ going there?" she smiled mischievously.

"Go away."

"You're such a reactionary fel-_low_," she sighed. She got off the rowboat and skipped away. He felt happier already.

That sword was as good as his!

* * *

"Wow," Riku looked up and down the empty beach as soon as he landed on Happy Funtime Island, "This took longer than I thought it would." He took a bag out of the boat and headed for the trees.

"Hey, Riku!" he spun around. Selphie stood on the prow of another rowboat as Tidus and Wakka rowed along.

"You shouldn't be out here," Wakka said as soon as he stepped onto the beach. "There are tree-cobras and _chupacabras_ on this island."

"_Chupacabras_," Riku said with smirk. He folded his arms haughtily. "Those are just an urban legend."

"No they aren't!" Wakka said gravely, "They'll rip your face off and then desecrate your corpse before their hideous unholy altar to their _evil god_!"

"Bah!" Riku said, "That's just a story the parents like to tell the kids to keep 'em away from here! And as for the cobras, I'm not afraid of a few little snakes."

"They get really big on this island," Wakka said.

"They're mutants!" Tidus added.

"Rrright," Riku said bravely. "Well, I'd like to stay and protect you guys from the nonexistent monsters and the "mutant" snakes, but I've got something I've gotta do." He turned and headed for the trees.

"You'll be sorry," Tidus warned.

"Sure I will," Riku muttered.

He walked into the dense wall of jungle and looked around for any sign of the tree-cobras.

Almost immediately he hit pay dirt; coiled around the lower branches of the trees were thousands upon thousands of very large reptile bodies, sleeping off their latest meal. Riku picked out the lowest slumbering cobra and slowly reached out...

Now many people are probably saying to themselves: wouldn't it be typical if the snake woke up just as Riku was about to clamp down on its neck (insofar as snakes have necks?) But Riku was much too practiced at catching garden snakes, he had the snake by the neck and stuffed it into the bag before it had time to ask him what he thought he was doing.

"Hey everybody! Wake up! That kid just snake-napped Murray!" he heard a voice say. He turned around and around but he couldn't locate the owner.

"We just had our last meal yesterday," another voice hissed. Riku looked up. All of those thousands upon thousands of tree cobras popped their heads up and stared at him.

"This is a job for the _chupacabras_!"

"Talking _snakes_?" Riku whimpered. He could hear mumbling from the bag he held.

"But they complained last time when we didn't help them catch it," another snake said. "Let's blind this one, maybe that'll shut them up."

"Yeah!"

"Ready."

"Aim."

Riku didn't stick around.

"_AIEEEE!_" he screamed as he tore out of the jungle. "_Snakes! Talking snakes! Snakes that talk!_" he babbled to the three standing on the beach.

Tidus pointed towards the trees, a look of terror lighting up he features.

"_Chupacabras_!"

"Quick, everybody, under the boat!" Wakka flipped the rowboat over and they dove beneath it just as the furry, long-limbed bodies of the _chupacabras_ slammed into the boat. The monsters flailed at the wooden underside.

* * *

Four pairs of eyes opened in the dark.

"Oh," Riku said, "if only I had a _sword_…"

"Or a gun," Tidus said, "that would've been practical."

"Now what are we going to do?" Selphie asked.

"_Ow!_ Okay, who elbowed me in the face?" Wakka asked.

"Not me," Riku said.

"Not me," Tidus said.

"Not… okay, it was me," Selphie said, "Sorry. I panicked."

"Okay, need a plan," Wakka said quietly. "Need a plan, need a plan," he started to chant that over and over.

Tidus began to sniffle.

"Did you see their cold, dead eyes?" he asked timidly. "We're gonna die… Just like... _Missus Nesbitt!_" his breath started to hitch.

"No we're not. Don't worry," Selphie said soothingly. Tidus sobbed uncontrollably.

"Stop that! That's not gonna help," Riku said.

"Leave him alone, he's just a little boy," Selphie snapped. "What was that? Something just touched my leg."

Riku checked the bag.

"Uh-oh," he said.

"Uh-oh?"

"Guys, now don't panic," Riku said calmly.

"Gee, Tidus, w-what reptilian eyes you have," Selphie said fearfully. All three eyes looked to the new pair of eyes hovering in the dark.

"What?" Tidus opened his eyes and then there were _five_ pairs of eyes floating in the darkness.

"Oh," Wakka said, "That's just great."

"I've got everything under control," Riku said.

"Sure you do," Murray the tree-cobra said.

* * *

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

**Riku versus The _Cobra... _Part Two_  
_**

**The ill-advised quest continues...**

**AN: A big friendly Thank You to Jupiter-Lightning and Xover-girl for their kind reviews.  
**

**Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

**

"Who are you? Nature photographers? Zoologists?" Murray asked.

"We're students, s-s-sir," Tidus stuttered.

"Which one of you stuffed me in that bag?" Murray demanded.

"That would the lovely lady with the blue eyes," Selphie said cattily.

"_Ouch_!" Wakka said.

"Sorry, Wakka," Riku said, "That was sort of a reflex, and I don't hit girls so you were a compromise."

"Sexist _and_ stupid," Selphie said.

"And _why_ did you put me in that bag?" Murray asked.

"I just… well… I needed some venom… for a… for a sword…" Riku explained quietly, not looking at Selphie and Wakka's eyes (which narrowed angrily.)

"I don't follow," Murray said.

Riku explained his situation.

"Kid, you realize that your Mayor was screwing around with you?"

"This fixation on swords…" Selphie said archly.

"Selphie!" Wakka warned.

"Well think about it!"

"Don't _you _even think about hitting me again!" Wakka warned Riku. "We risked our lives for _antique weaponry_?"

"I never asked you guys to follow me!" Riku spat. Tidus started to cry again.

"All of you, shut up!" Murray hissed. "I'll tell you how to get off the island with your lives, but it'll cost you."

The children fell silent.

"I want you to take me with you when you leave," Murray said.

"We can't take home a _cobra_," Wakka objected.

"I'll give you all the venom you want as well," Murray added.

"It's a deal!" Riku immediately accepted.

"_I want my mommy…_" Tidus sobbed.

"What do we do?" Riku ignored everyone's objections.

"Exactly as I say!" Murray said.

* * *

The _chupacabras_ were very surprised (they weren't that bright, you see) when the rowboat lifted a couple of inches and began to move like a giant multi-legged turtle. They were so surprised by this turn of events that they stopped their assault to watch the rowboat trundle away into the jungle.

"Oh, this thing weighs a _ton,_" Selphie whimpered.

"Don't slow down," Murray warned. "Or blondie here gets the kiss of death–" Riku squeezed Murray.

"Don't you dare," he warned.

"Yessir, _ack!_"

The rowboat slowly crept along, bounced blindly against the trees and very slowly it made its way towards the abandoned mining town in the center of Happy Funtime Island. By then it had amassed a large following of curious creatures.

Up the main street and into the crumbling town hall they went.

The boat wandered up the aisle until it bumped into the stage.

"Hurry, Selphie!" Riku said as they threw the rowboat aside. Selphie dived onto the stage and plopped down at the barely functioning pipe organ.

"I only know one song," Selphie said nervously.

"Just play! It's our only chance," Murray said. "Hurry!"

Selphie nervously stretched out her fingers and slowly began a very ragged rendition of _Heart and Soul_.

The town hall filled up fast, but instead of attacking the children the cobras started to sway back and forth while the _chupacabra_ sat and clapped their paws.

"Creepy," Tidus whispered.

"Okay, now what?" Wakka asked Murray. Murray swayed happily, and Riku had to poke him to get his attention.

"Now follow me!" Murray said.

He led them to the beach.

"Get in the boat!"

They got into the boat.

"Now start rowing." He slithered up to the front and waited for them to start.

The boys all crossed their arms.

"What?" he asked when the rowing did not commence.

"We're not leaving without Selphie," Wakka said and he glared at Riku.

"What are you looking at me for? I don't want to ditch her either."

That wasn't necessarily true, but doing the right thing was the important thing here.

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, I should think," Murray sniffed. Tidus picked up an oar and batted Murray over the head.

"_You want a piece of me?_" Murray hissed and lunged at him, but Riku caught the snake and shook him. He shook Murray so hard that the other two would've sworn they heard his eyes rattling in his sockets.

"Now you listen to me, we're going back for her or _nobody's _leaving! Got it?"

Murray's eyes crossed as his little cobra brain settled down in his skull.

* * *

"They're gone!" Tidus screeched when they made it back to the town hall.

"Ah, they've probably taken her to be presented before… OUR GOD!" Murray cackled.

"No!"

"Yes! She will be presented and if her musical talents please his royal horribleness there will be an orgy…" The boys blanched. "–of _dancing_! And mighty Agar will make her his queen and they will rule Happy Funtime Island forever and ever… So you see, we really did her a favor." Murray reasoned. "Okay, let's go home! There's still plenty of time for me to hit the real estate office on Destiny Island."

"Wait just a minute!" Wakka said. "What happens if he _hates_ her music?"

"They'll eat her, won't they?" Tidus fretted. "No! It's happening again– oh why? Why? _Why?_"

"Is this kid going to be alright?" Murray asked them.

"He'll be fine. Take us to this _Agar_," Riku ordered.

"You want to crash your friend's _wedding_?" Murray gasped.

"I'm more inclined to say it'd be a funeral," Wakka said, "But don't tell her I said that."

"Let's go!" Riku shoved the reluctant Murray out in front.

* * *

"I'm going to kill that boy," Selphie said through her frozen smile.

She stood on a small stage between two old earth movers. The delighted _chupacabras_ had thoughtfully left her untied, but there were thousands of cobras surrounding her anyway. Where would she run?

"Agar! Agar! Agar!" the cobras chanted, their heads bobbed up and down. A couple of cobras placed a wreath of flowers over her head, bowed, and retreated. Torches were lit around her, illuminating a path to a large cave.

* * *

"All I want is a little home by the sea, where I can write my memoirs," Murray prattled. The boys followed, not listening to a word. "Not that I don't appreciate my fellow snakes, but once we hunted the red-footed _fraggle_ to extinction I knew we were stuck in a creative rut! Doomed to laze our lives away in on this island–"

Tidus hit him with the oar again.

"Who'd want _you_ for a neighbor," Tidus huffed. "You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

"Tidus," Wakka put himself between the deadly cobra and his friend, "Are you off your meds?"

"No… … … Yes. _I forgooooot!_" he whined.

"Again?"

"Guys, can we focus here?" Riku said.

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

"Shh! The ceremony has begun," Murray said. The chanting wafted through the gloomy jungle.

"_Agar! Agar! Agar!"_

"We'll take the shortcut!" Murray said.

He slithered through the jungle, the boys had a hard time keeping up.

"Murray! Slow down, I can't see you," Riku called. He stepped onto some unsteady ground in his haste. For some reason it gave way under his weight, and he went tumbling into a deep pit full of water along with Wakka.

"Ah-ha! See how smart I am!" Murray reared up over the pit. "I've trapped the two most troublesome members of your party leaving me with the one most easily controlled.

"You!" Murray hissed at Tidus, who stood at the edge of the pit openmouthed. "You will take me to Destiny Island– _or else_!"

Tidus looked up from the pit to Murray, and then back down.

He shrieked and dashed into the jungle, presumably, never to be seen again.

"Uh, hey! He wasn't supposed to do that," Murray said and he took off after him. "Come back here ya little moppet! I've got candy!"

"Why'd he run away?" Wakka wondered after Murray left them alone.

"This looks like a good place to start climbing," Riku moved to the pit wall. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You know, Riku, it doesn't bother me that you're gay–"

"_Excuse me?_"

"But I'll thank you not to grab my "personal areas" in the future," Wakka said sternly.

"I did no such thing!"

"Alright, I'll let it go _this time_."

"And I'm not gay."

"Whatever you say, man," Wakka held up his hands. Riku noticed that they were covered with leeches.

"Oh, gross! We have to get out of here!" Riku scrambled up the pit wall. "Give me a boost up, okay? Okay? Wakka?"

Riku turned around.

He was all alone.

* * *

TBC  



	3. Chapter 3

**Riku versus The _Cobra _Part III**

**AN: "Just repeat to yourself 'It's just a show, I should really just relax.'"**

**Thanks again to Jupiter-Lightning for the swell review of chapter two (yes I wrote that this way because it rhymed.)**

**Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

**

Selphie fell to her knees when the first blue-white, clawed hand reached out of the mouth of the cave and planted itself in the mud.

Agar was a giant.

He wasn't particularly healthy-looking either. She could could see through his shriveled and translucent skin in places. He was hairless, half-naked and couldn't walk upright under his own weight. He didn't appear to have teeth, and he may have been blind in three out of five his extraneous eyes.

Agar crabbed his way to the dais and Selphie bit her lip to keep from screaming. He plopped down on the ground, and leaned over her. Selphie did scream when a thick, forked tongue flickered out between his lips.

A group of _chupacabras_ scampered out of the crowd, each holding a small instrument. They presented these instruments to her.

"_Play!_" Agar growled.

* * *

The water exploded upward, and showered Riku with leeches. He flapped his arms over his head to ward them off.

Wakka struggled with a giant mutant squid. How they could've missed its presence in the pit, Riku couldn't guess. The fight between boy and squid was loud and brutal, there were a couple of instances where Wakka was nearly pulled into the creature's snapping beak. He was covered with claw marks and bleeding profusely, but somehow his hair was still perfect.

_This is exactly the kind of situation where a sword would come in handy,_ Riku thought.

"Surrender your hockey hair!" the squid roared. Riku screamed like a little girl.

"_Never!_" Wakka yelled and punched the creature in the eye.

What followed was a confusing flurry of punching and kicking followed by a gory explosion of squid guts and fetid scum water. The boys were thrown clear of the pit on a wave of the awful mixture.

"Eww! Why did it explode?" Riku asked Wakka, brushing a stringy bit of goo off his shoulder.

"I have no idea," Wakka scrubbed the awful stuff out of his eyes. "Lucky we weren't killed, yeah? Pretty weird, really..."

"No time to wonder about that," Riku said.

"You're right."

"I'll go get Selphie," Riku said, "You go look for Tidus."

"Do you think we really ought to split up?"

"I work better... _alone._"

"I don't know... I don't think _if_ Murray caught Tidus that he would actually hurt him, he needs him, but Selphie could be sitting in a giant cauldron right now… with vegetables… and a little salt."

* * *

Selphie strummed the old guitar very carefully. The thing didn't have much time left, it was so old and the sounds it produced were so _bad_.

The only thing she could do was cover up the noise with her super-duper awesome voice and her sultry moves. She sang:

"_She's a superfreak! Superfreak! She's super freakaaay!"

* * *

_

"What's that noise?" Riku paused.

"Our _shoes_, man, I think we'll have to get new ones after this," Wakka wrinkled his nose. "And burn our clothes too."

Wakka gasped.

"We were soaking in mining chemicals! The very same chemicals that made everything mutate on this island! What if–"

"Easy, man! We were only in it for a few minutes," Riku tried to calm him down.

"Yeah, but do you know what could've been in that water? Mercury! I can't get brain damage before finals!" he hyperventilated. Riku felt he had no choice, he backhanded Wakka.

"Keep it together. Selphie needs you! Remember? Selphie Soup, just add crackers! Or Selphie-kebob! Rotisserie Tilmitt!"

Wakka took a deep breath.

"Selphie under glass?"

"Okay, you can stop," Wakka said.

Riku led the way towards his approximation of Happy Funtime Island's center. Surely they'd find a clue to the whereabouts of Agar's lair, if not the lair itself. Riku thought: if _he_ were a despotic kind of demigod he'd want his lair centrally located, that way he could keep track of everyone and squelch any uprisings or bouts of atheism before they got out of hand.

But that was just him.

"Hear that?" Wakka asked. "Sounds like a… well…. I don't know anything bad enough to compare it with, really."

* * *

Agar sang along with Selphie around the middle of her eighth song. He seemed happy, and the snakes seemed happy, and the _chupacabras_ seemed happy.

Her time was almost up: she was going to run out of songs soon, and the guitar was about to crumble in her hands. On top of that, she didn't think her friends would get back with that _massive rescue party_ they surely meant to round up in time to save her.

What more could go wrong?

_Man, this guy's breath could kill,_ she grimaced during Agar's ad-libbing solo.

* * *

"There they are!" Wakka whispered. They reached the large clearing and peeked at the scene through a screen of vines. "Think we could drive 'em away with the stench?" he asked ruefully. Indeed a couple of the closer cobras were looking around and giving each other accusatory glares.

"Indubitably, I am the worst thing I've ever smelled," Wakka said.

"Shhh!" Riku pulled him behind a handy tree. A couple of tree cobras slithered near, stopped in their tracks and gagged. They retreated the way they came.

"You might have something there," Riku said, though it humiliated him a little.

"We should probably stay away from those torches though, in case the fumes are flammable."

The awful sing-along suddenly halted.

* * *

"Eep!" Selphie said when the guitar finally snapped in half. She looked up at Agar in alarm.

"_Play!_" Agar roared again.

"I can't play any of those," Selphie shook her head frantically. "How 'bout an _a capella_ version of _Real Emotion_–"

Agar roared angrily.

* * *

"_Thank_ you!" Wakka said.

"Shhh!" Riku elbowed him in the stomach.

* * *

"Oh dear," Selphie started to pray when a bit of metal caught her eye. "Just a minute."

She went to the instruments and picked up the bow of the old violin. Then she sprinted to the pile of tools in the clearing and carefully picked up a not-too-rusty old handsaw.

Agar impatiently tapped his foot while she arranged herself on the dais and started to play the saw.

The sound made her skin crawl and her hair stand up, but everyone else liked it. Agar smiled hideously and the cobras and _chupacabras_ settled down peacefully. She wondered if she could put them to sleep with a song.

_Who knew this stupid trick would prove so useful,_ she gritted her teeth and played on.

* * *

"Maybe he won't eat her after all," Riku said.

"I don't think she wants to become Mrs. Agar, either," Wakka said.

"Here's the plan. We could grab one of those torches," Riku said. "And then set fire to the forest, that'll confuse them–"

"Did you forget that Tidus is still out there?"

"Oh, uh," Riku struggled to come up with an answer.

"You _did_ didn't you!" Wakka put his hands on his hips and said: "Well, lucky I came with you or me and little Tidus would be runnin' for our lives in a _forest fire_! Shame on you!"

"Alright, forget it," Riku groused. "What do _you_ thing we should do?"

* * *

Selphie stopped playing.

"I'm sorry, my arms are getting really tired," she told Agar.

"Don't matter," Agar rumbled. "Pass judgment now."

The tree cobras hissed excitedly.

"Agar take vote from tree cobras whether you become Agar's Queen–"

"_WHAT?_" Selphie screeched. She didn't know that all this was leading to this abomination against nature.

"–or you become Agar's Dinner. Marriage prospect looks good, however."

"Okey dokey," Selphie stood up and gave him her best smile. "But first, where's the little girls' room? I need to take a powder."

"Agar can't see why not." He pointed into the trees.

Selphie looked as innocent as she could while she headed for the forest.

* * *

"Yes!" Wakka whispered. "That's it, come closer…"

* * *

"Fear not, fair lady!"

Every head in the place whipped around and looked up at Tidus standing in the tallest tree wearing a very large and feathery hat. He brandished a rapier in one hand and grabbed a hanging vine with the other.

* * *

"Hey! Where'd he get that sword?" Riku said.

* * *

"They shall sample my blade! Touché!" Tidus cried and stepped off the branch.

"Tidus, _no!_" Selphie cried. The little boy fell twenty feet before the vine snapped tight and he swung right into Agar.

SMACK!

Tidus bounced off the creature and landed in the mud. Selphie dashed to him and gently cradled his head.

"Tidus, can you hear me?"

"Where'd all these birds come from?" he muttered dazedly.

Agar turned around very slowly and gaped at them.

"What that?"

"The maid of honor!" Selphie said, and burst into tears.

* * *

The wind picked up just then, and it came in from the sea in a fortuitous direction.

A wave of gut-wrenching stench floated into the clearing and triggered a massive unified gagging reflex from every living creature within range.

Tidus bolted upright.

Selphie retched.

Agar scratched himself.

"Aww, now I feel terrible," Wakka said.

"We can't smell _that_ bad," Riku sniffed himself.

"My eyes are watering," Wakka said. "I'll never eat squid again."

And he never did.

"Now's the time to act," Riku said. He picked up the nearest branch and ran screaming at the crowd.

"Ugh!" the snakes, _chupacabras_, (and even the insects) shot out of the way and made it easy for them to reach their friends.

"Oh, stay away!" Selphie and Tidus backed away with their hands over their noses.

Agar studied them for a moment.

"You popped the mutant squid?" he asked them. They nodded solemnly.

"What?" Tidus looked to Selphie, she always had an answer, even if she had to invent one.

"Sometimes it's better not to know, young grasshopper," she said.

"We're here for them," Wakka pointed at his two distant friends. "We don't want any trouble, we'll just take them and leave quietly."

Agar roared.

"_Fools! Curse you for ruining Agar's special day!_"

"So it's the hard way, is it?" Riku said. He hoisted his branch.

_A sword would come in handy right about now,_ he thought. He looked around for the rapier Tidus had dropped when he smashed into the unhealthy-looking demigod.

"I'm a _scholar_ not a fighter!" Wakka screamed.

"Search inside yourself! You can do it!" Selphie cried.

"Don't give up," Tidus said. "Or we're _dead_."

"But try to relax," Selphie added.

Agar reared back and bellowed loudly. Riku dove to the right and picked up the rapier.

"Wait a minute. This isn't a sword, this is a _Hotwheels racetrack_," Riku swung the blue strip of plastic. Agar took a lumbering swing at him. RIku countered by whipping him with the track.

Agar screamed and scrabbled backwards.

Meanwhile, Wakka was still trying to psych himself up.

"I can do this!" he said confidently. "I have to help my friends!"

"Stop right there!" Murray said in deadly voice that stopped the Riku in his tracks. The cobra looped himself around the huddled Selphie and Tidus and bared his fangs. "Step away from my disgusting god, or I'll bite! I can kill twenty people with one bite, ya know! I'll do it!"

"Over already? _Awww_," Riku moaned. He stepped away from Agar.

Agar, for his part, scuttled back into his lair.

"Poor thing," Selphie said.

"Okay," Murray said, "Now _I_ am in charge, once again. Take me to Destiny Island, and I'll let you all live."

"No deal, snake!" Riku said. "You don't belong in man's world."

"Uh, Riku, what are you doing?" Selphie said out of the corner of her mouth.

"You've already proven to be untrustworthy, and way too eager to bite–"

"I'm only doing what's necessary," Murray argued. "Look around! If you were me, you'd want to leave too."

"You're not suited to live around people," Riku shot back. "You're a _cobra_, they'll be afraid."

"They'll adapt," Murray said, and Riku could almost perceive a shrug in that comment. "I'll adapt too. I've been waiting for this chance my whole life, to read the great works of literary masters, to see the wonders of the world, to eat the best fast food!

"You think anything with a developed cerebral cortex wants to feast on raw rats and hang around with the same incurious morons all its life? How stimulating is that?"

Riku thought the snake had a good point.

But Riku refused to negotiate with terrorists, and he felt nearly invincible now, having very briefly fought with Agar.

"If you want to leave Happy Funtime Island so badly," Riku said, "You'll have to fight me for the privilege."

"Huh?" Murray said.

"Are you crazy?" Selphie shouted. "Wakka, do something– the boy's clearly lost his marbles."

"Yes," Murray agreed. "But, the challenge does intrigue me a little..."

"If I win, you have to let us all go and promise never to leave this island, ever," Rikus said. "If you win–"

"You'll be dead," Murray finished. "You'll be beyond caring about the well-being of your friends or your precious town. Tch! You don't have a chance, kid, but you're on."

* * *

TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

**Riku versus the Cobra Part IV**

**AN: A big warm thank you to Jupiter-Lightning and Xover-girl.**

**Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

**

The miners that used to inhabit Happy Funtime Island had a rabid love of boxing. So it was agreed that the fight should take place at the old arena.

Within an hour every seat was full. If the creatures weren't interested in the fight, they were very interested in getting a look at Agar and his affianced (and her best friend, who everyone claimed was a dead-ringer for a young Meg Ryan.)

"Popcorn! Popcorn! Get yer popcorn!" a cobra with a cleverly rigged tray of snacks wriggled by.

"Selphie want anything?" Agar asked.

"I don't know," Selphie said, nervously staring at the creature gallery around her and Tidus. "Does he have any gummi bears?"

A bag of gummi bears hit her in the chest.

Down by the ring Riku perused a large selection of weapons. Chain saws, broken bottles, hatchets, rusty hooks, a beautifully restored World War II Glock… None of this was his style.

"Do you have any swords?" he asked.

"Riku, how do you think you'll do in tonight's fight?" a cobra pushed a microphone into his face. Before he could answer, Wakka put an arm around his shoulders and started babbling at the camera.

"The little guy worked hard all during the off-season, there was some concern that last year's injury would bench him during the pre-season, but with the help of his teammates and his coach and a diet of nothing but shrimp and potato chips I think he's ready to show the world that he's a contender."

"What are you doing?" Riku said.

"Are you his coach?" the cobra asked.

"Yes ma'am," Wakka said.

"No he's not!" Riku slapped Wakka's arm away and looked at the camera. "Is this really being broadcast?"

"Scuse me," the camerama– I mean, snake faltered. "I just threw up in mouth a little. I need some air."

* * *

Back on Destiny Island, Sora and Kairi were sitting around and flipping through the channels. It wasn't often that they were allowed to use the good television and Sora's parents had _cable_! Sora's parents weren't home and they had free access to everything.

"What was that?" Kairi asked when Sora flipped past the channel (too-freaking fast to see the end of Riku's interview (why do guys do that?)) "Go back!"

"What? This?"

On the screen a couple of cobra's wearing bow ties sat coiled behind a desk with rough letters nailed to it to spell out "SPORTSCENTER."

"It's just some weird puppet show that shows up on this channel every now and then."

"Tonight's challenger has a lot going for him," the snake with the pince nez spectacles said.

"That's right," the other agreed. "Opposable thumbs, moxie, and a pungent BO that would knock a swarm of blowflies outta the air."

"But at only four foot two, does this fey little scrapper have a chance against twelve feet of instinct-driven muscle, needle-like fangs and a shot of poison that can kill 20-30 humans?"

Kairi flipped through the tv guide to see what this program could be, but something even better caught her eye.

"Hey! _Batman_ is on!"

"I don't want to watch _Batman_."

"Sora?" Kairi fluttered her eyelashes. "Please?"

"Oh. Okay," he said reluctantly. "Geez, it's like you've got a crush on him or something."

* * *

The crowd went wild as Murray slithered into the ring. Riku ambled up into the ring, tripping over the ropes that lay all over the place.

"Okay, remember…" Wakka hesitated.

"Remember what?"

"I don't know, I was going to say something like "Something bee, something something.""

"You're no help."

"Just don't get bit!"

"Welcome to the battle of the _cen_tury!" the announcer boomed. "In this corner standing at six feet and weighing– I don't know– twenty pounds? _Murray_!" Murray reared up and acknowledged the crowd.

"Boo!" Tidus and Selphie yelled.

"And in the opposite corner, standing four feet and two inches, tonight's challenger… Riku!"

The crowd jeered at Riku.

"Go back to civilization!" someone yelled and threw a half-filled box of popcorn into the ring.

"_I'm tryin' to!" _he yelled back.

The _chupacabra_ serving as referee beckoned them to the center of the ring.

"_Blech! Blah-bleh blblblblbl!_" it said. The bell rang.

"Uh, okay," Riku said.

The cobra and the boy circled each other cautiously. Murray stayed low and feinted every few seconds, before he darted at Riku.

His friends screamed, the crowd groaned. Riku felt Murray hit him just at the shoulder, a stinging bite but he didn't fall over dead.

"Ooh, just a dry bite folks," the announcer said. The crowd cheered Murray and he took a lap around the ring, egging them on.

"Murray! Murray! Murray!" the crowd screamed.

"I'm a _star_!" Murray cooed, little stars twinkled around his eyes.

With a shout Riku grabbed the end of the distracted cobra's tail, just like he'd seen those herpetologists on tv do.

"Hey!" Murray was thrown off-balance. Riku considered swinging the cobra around his head, but Murray moved too quickly and plunged his fangs into his arm.

"_Riku! No!_" Selphie screamed and dropped her gummi bears.

"And it looks like another dry bite! Murray continues to toy with his challenger!" the announcer said.

"That was your last warning," Murray hissed. "The next–"

He didn't get to finish. Riku's eyes rolled back into his head and he flopped to the ground and convulsed.

"And that looks like the end of this fight," the announcers said. The crowd cheered and threw popcorn. Selphie and Tidus held each other and cried. "Next we'll be taking you to the post match special, featuring the wedding of our god: Agar! Long live merciful Agar and his beautiful and talented new bride, Ms. Selphie Tilmitt. Goodnight everyone!"

* * *

"Selphie? If I'm your maid of honor, does that make me your best friend?" Tidus asked as they were led away.

"It's all my fault!" Selphie cried. Tidus patted her on the back.

"Don't worry," he whispered. "This is the part where everyone thinks the hero is dead, but really he's just faking so he can save the day when the villain least expects it!"

Selphie hugged him and wailed.

"What should we do with this one?" the _chupacabras_ pushed Wakka along to join the wedding party.

"Let's eat him!" someone said.

"No!" Tidus threw himself in front of Wakka. "Don't eat him! He's my friend!"

"He's uh," Selphie collected her wits quickly, "my cousin! By marriage. You can't eat _family._"

"Very well," Agar said. "Cousin will attend wedding."

"And give his blessing," Selphie said.

"No!" Wakka looked at her like she was crazy.

"There," Selphie said. "I can't get married without my cousin's blessing! But I'm sure he'll change his mind if had a couple of weeks to get to know you…"

"Agar thinks Selphie is stalling," Agar said. "But if that's what Selphie wishes… Cousin! You give blessing or die right now." A group of cobras circled Wakka and hissed at him.

"Dang it," Selphie said quietly.

"_Okay! Okay! Mommy!_" Wakka shrieked.

"Shoo! Shoo!" Tidus flapped his hands at the snakes.

"Good. Wedding now," Agar said.

"Wait! I don't have a _thing_ to wear!" Selphie tried again as she was dragged away.

* * *

The snakes held a short victory celebration, wherein one joker drew a chalk outline around Riku's body, and then the snakes cleared out to attend their god's wedding. They all left Murray alone to eat his winnings.

"There's got to be something I can do about the smell," Murray spit for good measure. "And biting him! Ugh. So unpleasant." He slithered away to find some pepper.

Riku popped an eye open and checked his surroundings. Betcha didn't know that Riku held the town record for being able to hold his breath the longest.

First thing he had to do was get Murray out of the way for good. He looked around the leftover debris in the arena. He found empty candy bags, popcorn containers, beer cans, a set of dentures (?) and several tons of gum wrappers.

"Come on, _think!_" he sat down on the barrel by the corner of the ring to do so, and an idea came to him as soon as his rump hit the top of the empty barrel and he fell in.

He struggled out of the barrel, ran to the open door and grabbed a very big rock from outside. After dropping the rock next to the barrel he leapt into the ring and settled into his chalk outline.

Murray slithered back into the arena with salt and pepper shakers in his mouth.

"Okay. The shoes have to go, can't stomach the tread on those things," Murray said to himself. He untied Riku's shoes and pulled them off. "There!"

Riku's nose twitched when the pepper hit him in the face.

Murray stopped shaking the pepper and leaned close to Riku's face.

"Boo!" Riku said (he couldn't help himself,) and he grabbed Murray by the throat. Murray thrashed as Riku dragged him to the barrel. He grabbed Murray's tail and forced it into the barrel, and then it was a simple matter of turning the barrel over and trapping Murray inside!

But it wasn't that easy, Murray put up a terrific struggle.

Riku finally smacked Murray's head against the floor, stunned the poor thing, pushed him under the barrel, and finished the job by dropping the rock on top of the barrel to keep Murray from escaping.

_Better make sure._

Riku piled more rocks on top of the barrel and left Murray to think about what he'd done.

* * *

The wedding went ahead as planned, and for an impromptu ceremony thrown by a bunch of mutant freaks on a deserted island it was frickin' beautiful. The bride wore a big ruffly dress, the maid of honor was _adorable_ in her little white gloves and bonnet.

Everyone cried.

Selphie tried to bolt when the minister got to the part about kissing the bride, but Agar stepped on her enormous train. The kiss was indescribably disgusting, Tidus may very well have been traumatized for life (add the fact that he was forced to wear a dress because everyone mistakenly believed he was a _she_ and all doubt should be removed.)

"There is no god," Wakka said and he cried a single tear.

Selphie's hair had an extra curl to it when the kiss ended. She was really pale, she didn't move, and she didn't make any attempt to wipe Agar's spit off her face.

They sat together at the reception. Selphie stared straight ahead, her expression unchanged since the unholy kiss. Wakka stared at his plate and Tidus kept looking at Selphie.

"Well," Wakka sighed. "It… could be... worse? Maybe?"

"I think he slipped a little tongue into that kiss," Tidus declared.

"Oh, _gross!_" Wakka squealed and he couldn't look at Selphie anymore. Selphie wept quietly into her hands.

"I deserve it. Poor Riku. It's all my fault," Selphie cried.

"Don't cry, Selphie," Tidus said. He slipped the strap of his dress back up on his shoulder and took his bonnet off. "Riku's gonna show up any minute now."

"No, it's my fault," Wakka said. "We should've gone back to the island for help when we had the chance!"

"But we had to be heroes," Tidus said moodily.

They sat quietly while the party continued without them. Several _chupacabras_ challenged Agar to a chugging contest and if they weren't wrapped up in that spectacle the creatures were dancing to the music of their live band: The Fantanas.

"Hey guys," Tidus said. "I don't think anybody's watching us."

Wakka looked around.

"You're right."

They looked at each other and then dove beneath the table and crawled away.

In a rare turn of good fortune they made it to the jungle and fled like scared bunnies.

"What about Riku?" Tidus stopped and asked. Wakka just picked him up and threw him over his shoulder. It was slow going with Selphie's huge wedding gown getting caught every few steps.

"Just tear it off!" Wakka said.

"I'm trying, but it's hard to do that and run at the same time!" They stopped.

"Here," he picked up the edge and tried to tear it, but no matter how hard they worked at it the material would give. "Oh never mind!" he picked up as much of the dress as he could carry with Tidus and they continued, just a tiny bit faster, on their way.

* * *

Riku thought he saw a cloud running across the ground through the trees.

"What's all this?" Riku burst out of the trees onto the path and scared them all. Selphie screamed loudly.

"_See?_" Tidus gloated. Wakka dropped him.

"You're alive!" Selphie hugged him and sneezed. "Have you been rolling in pepper?"

"Shh! You hear that?" Riku said.

They heard voices calling from further up the path.

"_They're coming!_" Selphie ducked behind Riku fearfully.

"Let's get to the boats and get outta here!" Wakka picked up Selphie's dress again and they ran for the beach.

Fortunately for them they didn't meet anyone on their way to the beach. It was nearing dusk now, which meant they'd get home by sunset.

They got into their last rowboat, or they tried to, Selphie's dress had too much fabric to fit in the tiny vessel.

"Take that ridiculous thing off!" Wakka said.

"Oh you'd like _that_, wouldn't you!" she snapped back.

"Just tear the bottom off," Riku said. He had as much success in that endeavor as Wakka and Selphie had earlier.

"If only we had something to _cut_ it," Tidus said.

"Like, I don't know, _a sword?_" Riku said. "Take off the dress, Selphie."

"Forget it!"

"Fine, then stay here."

"No!" Selphie and Tidus said together.

"Look, Selphie," Wakka took off his shirt and gave it to her. "You can wear my shirt and we'll sneak you back into your house without anyone seeing you."

"I don't know… You realize that Bob and Miriam would _die_ if they caught me, um…"

"Yeah, but you don't really think staying here and starting a, a, a _family_ with Agar is an option, do you?" he said reasonably. Riku tapped his foot impatiently.

"No," she agreed. "Turn around you guys. And don't laugh at my undies– don't even look at me the whole way back! Got it?"

* * *

To Be Concluded 


	5. Epilogue

**Riku versus the Cobra Epilogue**

**Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...

* * *

**

And so the children escaped from Happy Funtime Island, Riku and Wakka rowed the whole way back while Selphie huddled behind them and accused them of sneaking peeks at her. Riku was tempted to pitch her overboard. Most disturbing part of the trip was listening to Tidus sing songs about being a woman and watching him admire his dress and practice sitting with his legs crossed.

"Quit that!" Wakka told him half way home.

"Do you think I should get my ears pierced?" Tidus asked.

"I've got a tiara at home that would look _so_ cute on you," Selphie said.

The boys helped Selphie sneak back to her house as promised, they even stood watch while she climbed into her room (except for Tidus, he kept twirling to see his dress flair.) Selphie threw Wakka' shirt out the window just as Bob pounded on her bedroom door.

"Selphie! What's that smell? Are you smoking in there?"

* * *

Riku walked home in defeat. He lost an entire day that he could've spent watching cable at Sora's house, he stank, and he had no shiny weapon to show for it. 

To add insult to injury, he thought he saw the flowers in people's gardens wilt as he passed them.

He decided to go vent to the Mayor. He'd tell what he'd been through and that he didn't need her crummy sword!

"Hi Riku!" Kairi called when she saw him approach the porch. "Did you…_oh god…_" she covered her nose and mouth ran to the side of the house, where she ralphed on the lawn.

He could've cried.

"What the _hell_ is that stench– my flowers are wilting!" he could hear Dr. Unne complain from the backyard.

Fighting tears, Riku ran home.

* * *

"What in the name of all that is clean and holy did you get into?" Baralai asked when Riku slammed the door. 

"I don't want to talk about it," Riku mumbled.

"That kind of day, huh?"

"Yeah." He trudged off to the bathroom.

After he took a long shower they burned his clothes and aired out the house while they had dinner. Riku told the whole sorry story to his father– who didn't freak out at all. He seemed to understand.

"Well, son, you tried your best and you failed miserably. It's a great big part of being a grownup, living with the knowledge that no matter how hard you try you'll only succeed in maintaining the status quo.

In a way, you're a man now."

Riku digested this.

"That's the most depressing thing you've ever told me," he said. "_That's _a lesson? You can't be serious!"

"I didn't say you had to like it," Baralai said. "Well, now that you're a man you should have some coffee."

Riku sat up.

"Your "special blend"?"

"Yep." He poured half a bottle of whiskey and a dash of amaretto into the coffee pot and poured out two cups. "This'll put hair on your chest."

"Whoa," Riku took his first sip of "special blend" coffee.

"_Aaaah! Fire! Fire! Fire!_" Riku grabbed his throat. Baralai dumped the rest of Riku's coffee down the drain and gave him a glass of water. Riku gulped it down stuck his tongue out.

"It's an acquired taste," Baralai said.

"No kid– hey, my voice changed!" Riku said in his new mature voice.

They sat up all night watching tv instead.

The End.

Or is it?

Yes. It is.

* * *

**A/N:** I don't know what amaretto and coffee would taste like, I completely made that recipe up. 

This was a really fun story to write, thanks to my two reviewers for your encouragement!


End file.
